Life sucks

Most days I think why am I here, why was I even born. I have never done anything worthy of being remembered, nor will I ever be part of something worthwhile. At times I think, if I was to get hit by a bus, no one would even notice. Most times I am considered as heartless, cold, emotionless, and I am. I rarely have feelings about anything or anyone. Most times I just don't care. I am a loner and always will be. Its just who I am. People say you can change, and for some that is possible. I just don't have an reason too. No family, no friends. Alone in the world. Being a accidental unplanned child, growing up with a single mother, in the 60s with all the stigma that goes along with it, having to endure teasing about having no father, then later being fat, or ugly, turned me into someone who is shy, self conscious all the time, constantly putting myself down to the point I just don't care for life anymore. I have no motivation, no soul, no nothing. Always on the outside looking in. When I am in a group of people, I don't fit in, rarely talk, again cause I just feel that I don't belong and have nothing worth contributing. Most times I can't get out what I want to say, comes out wrong, then I feel even worse. Days like this, I feel like crawling back under the rock where I belong. I am tired of the stress, worries and feeling of doom looming over me.

Most people have seen the real me, but at times I have to put on this Happy facade, so people don't try to have me talk. I don't want to talk. I like being silent and reserved. When I have my 'Don't bug me' look, it means just that, leave me alone. Unfortunately, at times I still have to let people bug me, since I do have a job and have to communicate with others. Being team leader sucks. I get bitched on about everything from the supervisor, yet if he would just leave US alone, we get the work done. Stop changing things. The morale around here is already low, so putting us down, never sticking up for us, isn't helping. This is when I just want to chuck it all and run away. But instead I just go home, down into my basement and stay till I have to leave my hole again.

Some people are just born to have good things happen for them all the time, others, like me, get the short stick of life, always struggling thru life, never finding true happiness. Sure, I have had very short bouts of it, but am I truely happy? content? at peace with my self? No. Nope, Nada. I watch shows where people are working with animals, don't make alot of money doing it, and are truely happy with where they are at. But that will never be with me. I will always have a sense of guilt about my mother, that I wasn't the daughter she wanted. We had our issues, and I would just go to my room and stay. During Mom's last weeks, before passing, I was her only caregiver except for the Hospice nurse who would come a couple times a week. I know I should of stayed by Mom's side more than I did. But it was just so hard for me to see her wasting away like that. And doing it for 8 weeks, non-stop, lack of sleep, checking on her every hour during the night, it was just so hard. None of her family even tried to come help. Oh, yea, one sister came for a quick visit, but no one even tried to give me some relief for a few hours. The day when Mom passed (Mother's Day), I was so relieved to have it over. Mom was at peace finally, and I hope she finally has found happiness, cause I know she didn't have it while on earth. I definitely didn't bring it. So now, during this time, Spingtime, every year, I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt about not being the compassionate, caring person I should of been when Mom needed me most. And for that, I can never forgive myself.



Before anyone gets all worked up, I am just venting some feelings. I just will crawl back into myself, and revert to souless self.