Holiday Blues

It always starts right after Thanksgiving. The Holiday blues. Not sure when it happened but for years I just get into a depressive funk between TG and Christmas. At first thought it started after Mom passed, but no, it was way before that. I just can't get into the Holiday Spirit. I use to love this time of year. All the excitement of the season with putting up decorations, shopping for gifts for Mom, the music, going out and seeing all the houses decorated. It use to be an annual event for me and Mom on Christmas Eve have our little Snack nite and then get in the car and drive around seeing all the pretty decorations. We did still do that up to her last Christmas, but even then, for me at least, it just didn't help me. I had lost that magical feeling that the season use to bring to me. One of my most fondest moments I remember was when I was a teen. I remember playing some old Christmas albums (mid 70's) and laying on the floor in the living room. I would just stare at the Christmas tree all lite up, listening to the beautiful music and I would just drift into this peacefulness. I wish I could find that place again but alas its just a memory. Not sure why I lost that magical feeling that Christmas always brought. I know part of it maybe that for me, the Holiday means family. Mom and me were a family but we had drifted apart in her later years. She had her demons and I had mine, and I just didn't have the courage to express some feelings that needed to be talked about. Seems I can only express myself when I write.

But I just wish I could find that magic again during these times. I miss that. I know part of my heart and soul is missing it, but every year I try to find some of that magical spirit but it just alludes me. Sometimes wonder if I just out grew the magic and thus lost that inner child that most people still retain during the holidays.
As I said earlier, maybe because, to me anyways, Christmas and the Holidays mean family, and I have no family. I never felt close to anyone, never had a really deep friendship. I know deep down, I am just a lost soul who will forever know what it means to be alone.