What a difference a year makes

Last year I posted a really depressing blog. It's amazing what a year's difference can be when you put you mind, no, your heart, to change things. First off I was able to move out of that old, run down, depressing house that was financially, mentally and emotionally killing me. Filing for bankruptcy and letting the bank have the house was the best decision. When I got approved for this apt back in Jan, I was just so freaking relieved. I was finally able to slowly get some of this heavy burden off my shoulders that was building up over the past few years. I really love my apt complex. It's not brand new or anything, but it met my list of what I was looking for; pool, fireplace, 2 bedroom, closer to work. What I ended up with was peace of mind. The view of the wooded ravine was a bonus. Since being here, have seen deer, raccoon's, turkeys, with one Peeping Tom trying to look in my bedroom window lol. I even rescued a chipmunk that had fallen into the swimming pool this summer. That was one of the most amazing feelings. First just such sadness, then thinking how can I help it with out getting bit. Then thought, yea, just use my hand like an elevator, just put it slowly under it's feet and lift it up along the pool wall. Worked!! Then the overwhelming feeling of joy that hit me, I was just so glad I was there alone, cause had tears running down my face and just this wonderful feeling deep in my heart. When I moved, I made plans to start changing my life, just a bit anyways. One big one is my attitude not only towards others, but mostly towards myself. I still was putting myself into these low, self-depreciating moods. I wanted out of that cycle, cause it wasn't doing me any good. Not sure where to turn, I know I wanted some kind of motivational, self-help or other types of heart and soul changing experiences. I got it when I discovered that one of my favorite actress's, Renee O'Connor, was doing an Awareness seminar. I watched the videos on her website, thought, hmmm, maybe that is something I need to look into. I deeply respect, and admire Renee over the years, and knew I would pay attention to what she had to say. It took months of saving the money, but in the end, it was priceless. Going to Austin in October was one of the best things in my life. It came at the right time too. Just before the holidays that normally gets me back down into that dark mood. After coming home, I made a determination that I would try my hardest to change. I know it will take lots of work, being the shy person I am, and also have been moody for years, but will learn to look people in the eyes, try to talk with them, help them, even if they don't realize I am 'teaching' them to speak from their heart. I have let the past go, it doesn't help me, it only hinder's me. It is what it is...that is my new mantra..Thanks Renee! :). Live in the now. Since being back, I have been in a much better place, especially at work, trying not to let people or situations put me back into those old patterns that would lead me into self loathing. So far its been great. I joke more with coworkers, I have this overwhelming touchy feely urge, which I never had before. I just want to hug everyone, well not strangers, but people I know. I have notice a difference. If I am happy and in a good mood, others around me feel it and also are more open. It's hard to explain, but this huge part of my heart is just so open and a wide space now. I know I will have set backs, that's a given, but I will also try to step back, close my eyes, concentrate on my breathing, thus calming my inner demons, and then let the curiosity back out and start asking questions from my heart. Heart over mind. For the first time in years, I am in a good mood at the start of the holiday season. Here's to seeing what the next 12 months brings.