How Ferdinand, A Warrior and Bard, Singing Angels, and The Voice saved my life

It's been a while since I posted on my blog. Been having this stuff running around my head the past few days and I just need to get it out. It's my way of talking with out having to talk to people. What got this going is I guess I kept thinking about Robin Williams death. I was deeply sadden to hear how he had finally succumbed to that dreaded darkness of depression. I can understand why he and others get so deep that its just too much to get out. Though I have never sunk that low, or have what I would refer as deep bouts of depression, I will admit I have thought about death. Not necessarily going out and buying a gun or overdosing on anything, though I have put myself in that situation thought wise, I just would shake myself out of that. But I have put myself in a state a low, dark area mentally, using self-depreciation and self-loathing, to get me to a point where I just wanted to curl up in a corner and just disappear, die, drop of the face of the earth. Just kept thinking, no one would even know or even care. Maybe if I explain some of my background, this will make why I tended to do this to myself. I was born in 1960, a product of a unwed mother. So back then that was just not a common thing like it is now. It has a huge stigma and shame attached to it. Mom did the best for us. My childhood was normal, other than periodically having to try and answer "Where's your dad", "are you parent's divorced" etc. I had no real answer cause I didn't know. Even as of now..I really don't know. I have a name..that's it. I have his last name. But other than a little info on my recently ordered birth certificate (found out my old one technically was not a legal certificate) about his occupation, which Mom said was not correct..but she wouldn't tell me anything else. This was just prior to her passing in 2002, so now I am pretty much at a end on my paternal side. Sorry I tend to digress a lot. As a child, I had friends, I would go out and play with all the kids, especially the boys cause I was a Tomboy and rather go play ball, climb trees and such, then go play with dolls and house. At that time I just never felt like I was different other than just having a mom and no dad. But then things started to change. First off, I was changing physically, as I became an early developer, so that by 4th grade I was just starting to fill out in front. I may have even had to start a training bra then. I just know, that boys no longer viewed me as just one of them. Though I never got teased in 4th grade, which was at the original school I had started at, so maybe having gone through 4 grades plus some probably were in my kindergarten class too, they never taunted me, they just stopped wanting me hanging around cause I was now a 'Girl' in their eyes. But once we moved, and I started 5th grade at a new school, thus became the NEW person in school, things started to be more different. I started being teased, and taunted about my breasts, plus again being a new kid in the school, trying to fit in with the in-crowd kids who had known each other since 1st grade, I was having problems with making friends. The girls in my new class were just not friendly with me. I was an 'outsider' in their eyes. So soon I started withdrawing more into myself, becoming more and more shy, though I had always been shy around new people, once I got to know people or other kids, that went away quickly. I would delve into my books, I also love to draw, even though not good at it, and I would get more and more into my fantasies involving my heroes from T.V. Shows. But it would just get worse up through High School. I didn't like confrontation, so as the teasing turned more into bullying, I would just let my feelings simmer and stew...till after so long I would just break and just start wailing on the person bullying me. Only happened twice during my school years, so you can see how long I would let this all stay inside me. Back then, through all that, I never really thought about suicide or revenge against other students. Back then it wasn't in the news all the time, when I did watch the news anyways. So that kind of stuff never crossed my mind, but when I think about all the young kids who either die by their own hands or go postal and shoot up their school and a lot of times the common factor between them is "they were loners" "they didn't fit in with others" "they were odd or weird" "they didn't socialize" etc. and they all were bullied in some way or other. I think...this could of been me, because I fit all those labels. I had other issues to deal with also. By the time I hit Middle school age, we had moved to Ohio and at that time, more social issues were being taught in the schools. Issues like drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, alcoholism etc. That last one became my issue. Mom had always been a beer drinker. When younger, I didn't know it was a problem. Not till I got to middle school and started to understand. I didn't like it, but again, I didn't like confrontation. But it was causing me to be even more anti-social as I didn't want to even try to make friends just because I didn't want to bring a friend over. I had done that in the past, but could never understand why they didn't want to come back. Now I understood, because mom would be drunk and they felt odd being around her. It's hard to explain, but eventually, once again I would just withdraw, immerse myself in my books, or fantasies again. I mean Mom and me would watch tv and have some good discussions..but that was when she wasn't drinking. So over time, even into adulthood, I just didn't want to socialize with others, because by that time I just did not want to be around anyone who drank. And that seemed to be whatever one did. Even in High School, thats all the other kids did. Would sit around and talk about drinking, or sex, pot, etc. I just was not interested in all that crap. I had no desire to get into drugs, or smoking in general. That is one thing Mom made a point about. Telling me not to smoke, or drink etc. She knew the issues that all caused, she just wouldn't listen to herself. Yea I would have a few fights with her over the years about the drinking, but I usually would just give up and go slink back into my bedroom. By the time I finally had it out with her, around 3yrs prior to her passing from cancer, she finally quit. But by that time, our mother/daughter relationship was strained. I mean, again I would go and watch a few T.V shows with her, and we would still take our weekend rides. But we never really, or rather I guess I really just didn't feel that connection. I know deep down I love Mom, but I just had a very hard time showing it. I rarely hugged her, and even more rare, telling her I loved her. That will always be my biggest guilt I will have till I die. But at that time, I really was to the point that maybe something was wrong with me. I like didn't have emotions, least not love. I rarely cried, cause I hated it, still do. Hated going to movies and balling my eyes out. Just felt like people were looking at me and making fun of me. But anyways to get back to where I am going with all this, I have a lot of issues inside. Guilt over my relationship or lack of one with Mom. Constantly trying to figure what is wrong with me (this is back in my pre-adult years) that other kids didn't like me, other than I was fat, ugly, strange, etc. This all stuff that has been said to me all through school. But as I became an adult, I pretty much just tried to let that old crap go, but at times things would put me in a low, stressed state that I start delving on all this stuff...why this..why that..etc and there I go, wanting to go into that corner and just drop off the face of the earth. But there would always be something that would bring me out of it and thus, this is where the odd title of this blog comes in. Ferdinand. This is reference to the children's book, Ferdinand the Bull. I know it sounds silly. It was first grade, we were just learning to read, back then it was Dick and Jane. We had our first trip to the school library. When I think back to this, I am reminded of how Belle in Disney's Beauty and the Beast reacted when she first stepped into the Beast's library. Pretty much how I felt. Then I checked out my first library book. Ferdinand the Bull. That started my love of reading and seeking refugee in an oasis of books a.k.a the library. Books would become one of my only true friends in years to come. They opened up vast worlds and adventures. Friends I would of love to have had in real life. I could immerse myself into a book and just be completely happy. At times when I would feel the loneliness set in and thankfully I could once again stick my nose in a book and things would be alright. A Warrior and Bard: This is for the T.V. show Xena: Warrior Princess. I started watching this show pretty early on in the series, it was the 4th episode. Now I have always enjoyed shows that seem to have female roles that were not typical roles, basically the women were either heroes, tough as nails, could hold their own against bad guys etc. Wonder Woman, Bionic Woman, Charlie's Angels, Agent 99 in Get Smart and on and on. So it wasn't a surprise I really got into this show. Me and Mom had just bought the house. She hadn't move up yet, but I was already living in the house, though not furnished yet. Had a chair and a small tv and sleeping bag. Anyways I watched it that first time and was hooked. I thought, dang, Xena is freaking cool and well gorgeous. At that time I did not yet have a computer so I pretty much just watched and started obsessing of the show but really had no one to talk to. Mom watched it,and Hercules, both became our one set of shows we watched routinely up till the show ended. She would pass away about a year later. Anyways being in that state of loneliness again, I was having stressing thoughts again, just the same self-depreciating that I would do and I was losing focus again. I won't go too much into how much this show really impacted me because that is a whole story in itself, but I just briefly wanted to touch one key moment. It's when I became aware of the Bard, Gabrielle. It took me a few episodes, but one stood out, and I was like, OMG. At that time I couldn't put my finger on really what I was feeling, not till probably 2yrs, I think. It was just after I had my hysterectomy, and was off work for like 6 weeks. I had a computer by then, but had never really looked up much on Xena, think I found like one official site. I was on AOL, and being bored and tired of laying around watching tv, I looked up Xena and thus was thrust into the Xenaverse. From that I discovered I was not so odd or weird..that other women were having 'feelings' for the characters, either Xena or Gab. What I was feeling was basically a huge crush on her. Up till entering the Xenaverse, I had never really known any gay people. I knew about gays and homosexuality, but just not something that was talked about a lot. I mean I guess one would say I had a sheltered life, though I did read books and once in a while some reference to gays would be involved, I just never associated with it till I had joined some Xena fan groups. The more I read what others had to say either about the subtext in the show, or how they were all hot and bothered over the characters/actresses, I was like is that me? Is that why I always fell odd at times. Why I never really got into boys? etc. But then I would think back to all my T.V. shows, and realized I pretty much had same kind of reaction then, just on a more kid level, but none the less, all those female characters/actresses, yea..I had crushes on. I can only think of maybe to guys I had crushes on, but nothing compared to some of my hero worshipping I had or was having with the women. Now for the record, I don't feel like that with every freaking woman I see, either on television or even in real life. For the most part, most women I meet I feel more sisterly towards, though I never had any siblings. I feel the same with guys. I still have not felt giddy with any one I meet in real life. Maybe I just feel safer when I have a crush on someone that is fictitious or just unobtainable. So I am gay. At first it was something I had to get use to. But just finally figuring myself out, after 35+ years, was actually a relief. Now I could continue my head over heels in love obsession with Gabrielle/Renee and not feel bad about it. Because I don't. She is absolutely adorable, cute, funny..and in Season 5 and Season 6, she is sexier than all get out. Even now, when I watch a music video on Youtube with Gab, that short hair, biceps, abs, still gets my heart racing. No guy has ever done that. Only a few other women have done that. Shania Twain, and Sandra Bullock. Anyways, back to why this is listed. I had found a place I could express myself freely and not be considered weird or odd. This show helped me understand what true love, soul mates are all about. Till then I just didn't have a true understanding. But from the show sprung a plethora of fan fiction, and published works, called Ubers, and thus..back to books again. I am so glad I didn't have to go thru childhood or my teens as a gay teen. I was having enough problems back then as it was, so I would of probably been a casualty of bullying to point of suicide by then. It's still bad enough now, but least there is more awareness of bullying in general. Singing Angels. After Xena went off the air in 2001, eventually I lost my focus, though I still was and am a fan, I still had pictures and posters around my room in the house. I pretty much focused on work and saving money to go on vacations (more on this later). But I was getting in a rut. I pretty much just came home from work, lay around the couch and watch T.V or read in bed, but I was starting to get in that mood where I would just get myself down, pull me deep and just get in that hole I didn't want to come out of. Then one evening, in March of 2005, I believe it was a Fri evening, possibly Sat evening. I was just doing the usual channel flipping when I heard a familiar song and backed up. At first I thought it was Enya, the song being Orinoco Flow (though at that time I only knew it as the Sail Away song), I was thinking, oh..cool, I had never seen her on a show before. But it wasn't Enya, it was 3( of the 4) lovely ladies singing. That was my first taste of Celtic Woman. Right off, I was transfixed on the group. It would be 2 more airings before I would see the complete show, but by that time I was giddy with excitement. I love this group. Their voices were like angels. So course had to learn about them. But at the time didn't want to pay the PBS price for a CD. It would be a few months later, when in a Barnes and Noble that I found not only the cd, but the dvd. I was beside myself. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I watched that dvd. Again I won't go into too much detail about everything to do with this group, that has been put in other blogs and notes and such. But once again, because I became focused on some thing, I had reasons to keep going. Now I had a online group of fans to chat with, shows to attend with others, and eventually I would get to meet all of the girls, the originals and newer ones, but one...was to remain elusive for almost 2 yrs. This is leading into the last on the title list. The Voice. What can I say about Lisa Kelly that I haven't said already. She is the sweetest (that is one word I rarely ever use, so when I say it, I really mean it), most caring, compassionate, yet funny and a good sport (she had to be with some of the antics we fans did at some shows). From the very beginning when I caught that first airing in 2005, I was drawn to her. She at first reminded me of a friend I had but lost contact with. But once I started listening to the songs where she would have a solo or solo part, it was her voice that really drew me in. Not too high, not too low. Just, least for me, it spoke volumes. I became a huge fan very quickly. Though I love all the other girls too, Chloe being my second favorite, it was Lisa I most wanted to meet in person. But she just eluded me for just about 2yrs, but finally not only did I get to meet her once, but quite a few times. I just simply adore her. I was think now, that if I could of had a sister, I would of wanted one with Lisa's personality. But eventually, after a few years of going to shows, I needed to address some issues at home. I needed to start thinking about not going to shows and such. My last meet with Lisa was at one of the Akron shows, 2011 maybe? It was just months before the taping of the Believe DVD in Atlanta. Anyways at that time, didn't realize it really would be the last meeting. The following Christmas, I was at my last CW show, one of the Symphony shows, that would be my last show with Lisa in it. She was ready to stop the traveling, settle down with Scott, and 3 kids, with 4th one on the way. So it made my decision to stop going to the shows a lot easier. I miss them but, other things are taking priority right now. I was going thru bankruptcy, letting the bank have the house cause it was in so much need of repairs and it was just sucking me dry, not only financially but emotionally and mentally. I was starting back down that path of why am I even doing this, why am I even still here, what is my purpose, yadda yadda...and once more got to the point I just wanted to chuck it all and just give up. Crawl in my hole and just disappear. Nobody would notice, nobody would miss me, nobody would care. But once again..something pulled me out. This time it was an out of the blue, private message on Twitter. Now I had been tweeting Lisa off and on since that Akron show when she had sent me a tweet. At that time I was just tickled pink. But after a while I stopped, cause of all the crap that was going on, still trying to get the bankruptcy finished, had issues with that, and then the house was just literally falling down around me, but I couldn't move out till the bankruptcy was finished..just on and on. Anyways...at my wits end, had stopped reading, just laying around not doing much of anything but thinking. I would get on the computer, check email but mostly just deleted stuff with out even reading it. But one night, I seen this one email saying Lisa Kelly sent you a message. I am like huh? I don't think I had posted anything to her on Twitter in a while so had no clue. Went to check my account and yes, there it was. A direct message from Lisa. Simple, something to the effect "Hey Mel, haven't heard from you in a while. Miss you". I just sat there..stunned..and in tears. That simple, out of no where, why she even thought to send it, message. I just thought, some one DOES care, Lisa cares. She will never know how much that one little, simple little message meant to me. I just felt this overwhelming sense of love and renewed interest in life again. So there you have it. How a book, a television show, a musical group, and one of their members saved my life. Not just physically, but more emotionally. Two honorable mentions are to The Mouse and to an Orc. The mouse is for Disney, or specifically Disneyworld. I found my love of traveling started with Xena conventions but I also started traveling other places, specially WDW. That places has magical healing itself. The orc, refers to World of Warcraft. yea..I know..why you spoil it by bring up that game. Well because the game gives me something else to focus on. Being a homebody, it's nice to have something else to keep my mind occupied when I am not in the mood to read a book, and instead of just laying around in a recliner watching the same shows every freaking day, instead I get on WoW and I get to be a hero for a few hours. So yea, this game is also part of my list. Each of these things holds it's own special place in my heart, as does a few other things like music, Orinoco is still my fav special song. Though there will still be a few voids in my heart that will never be filled, what is there...is well worth continuing on in this life. Least till The good Lord is ready for me.